Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
