i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
