I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
