guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
