I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I pour the whiskey from now on
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
