Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
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I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
These tits shall not be calmed
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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