yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
