you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
