you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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