My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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