he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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