Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
