I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
