We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
