Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
