Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i came on her dog
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
