i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
