wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
