You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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