Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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