i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
