Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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