dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
