i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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