You're my little dorito
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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