now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
