Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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