call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
