new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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