Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
