I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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