he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
