Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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