the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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