Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
