peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
