I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
