He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
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mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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