she was so not down for the gang bang
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
