is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Did I show you my penis last night?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
