Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
