No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
