I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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