I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
