Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
