I wish I could teleport
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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