Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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