yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
