he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
