I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
