my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
