god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
