Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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