Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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