The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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