im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
