every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
