Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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