hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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