No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
